Why not make yourself happy? (Pasta with kale and toasted breadcrumbs)
What's new and what's old
Here is a picture that I took while shopping. I found a Barbour at the consignment store.
Something that I've noticed since getting top surgery is that I don't hate buying clothes so much. For years shopping for clothes has been exclusively frustrating, and demoralizing. I've spent years trying to regain the sense of fun that I felt when I was shopping for clothes for costume design. I have always loved the idea of certain clothes, far more than the reality of them on my body.
But since I got top surgery, it has been different. I got rid of some old clothes on new years day (wow is that symbolic or what), clothes that I had kept without wearing since being a freshman in college, thinking "someday, maybe, I'll be this person again." But the clothes piled up, nice clothes, gorgeous clothes, clothes I couldn't bring myself to wear because they felt like a costume.
For so long, whenever I tried on clothes that were the ones I wanted to wear, they looked ineffably wrong on me. I could not articulate why, but even clothes that fit the dimensions of my body still, for whatever reason, did not fit. Of course, the reason the clothes did not fit me is pretty simple: dysphoria. It was a feeling that was so pervasive that I tried never to articulate it or think about it, so as to not get swept away. And instead, I kept buying clothes for a woman I thought I could maybe be. I thought, if I was a woman who wore womanhood like a costume, who treated the accoutrements of femininity as drag (as many women do), that could be something I'd connect with. I was mistaken. It was said to me recently that all that was necessary for me to be happy with my body was for me to be happy with myself. But I did not get surgery because I was unhappy with myself, I got it because I have enough love for myself to not put myself through hell to preserve other people's feelings. I got rid of the clothes because I had put on them the burden of womanhood. I had made them into something they didn't need to be: a token, a stand in. It was time for them to have a good home.
This is just a picture of me and John on New Years Eve (feat buche de noel)
I gather recipes the same way I used to gather clothes: I think about them aspirationally. I used to gather elegant clothes, stuff cut on the bias, or circle skirts, anything over the top and glam, now, I dress much more for comfort, in countless ways. I have recipes that I've saved the same way, I want to be an adventurous cook (that just means uh, trying recipes I haven't made before), but really, I have an affinity for comfort. For example, I've had bookmarked this recipe for linguine with chickpeas (in the style of clams) for... months, but I've never made it. What if it's bad? Worse, what if it makes terrible leftovers? I have fantastic cakes, and books of artistic vegan cooking, but I am a staid person, and I have a near pathalogical aversion to not producing leftovers for the next day.
Anyway, this week, we're having comfort cooking.
This is a favorite recipe of mine, adapted from Brooklyn Supper
Someone subscribed Noah to the New Yorker? idk.
Pasta, with kale, toasted breadcrumbs, and walnuts
1 cup walnuts, toasted
1/2-3/4 cup panko bread crumbs
2 large garlic cloves
a half teaspoon or so of whatever "italian" seasonings you like
a few tablespoons of butter
a big bunch of kale
1 tablespoon of lemon zest (1 or two lemons, however much you've got)
juice of a lemon (start with a half if the lemon is very juicy)
1/2 cup grated parmersean
half pound or 12 oz box of pasta
You may notice that these measurements are uh... flexible. Sometimes I will get a 12 oz box of pasta, and then I'll bump other stuff up accordingly, otherwise, use a half pound of pasta. Little shells or twisty types are very good here.
First: if your walnuts are not toasted, turn your oven to 350 and put them in for 5-7 minutes, or until they become noticably toasted looking. I often undertoast nuts, which is bad. Don't be like me!
Put your pasta water on to boil. Don't forget to salt it! Also, remember to save some pasta water.
Then: mince your garlic. Heat up a nonstick or small cast iron skillet to a medium low. Toss in some butter (or olive oil), about two tablespoons. Add the garlic, cook until it just begins to look like it's about to brown, then add your bread crumbs and italian seasoning. If you're vegan and not doing the parmersean toasting some chopped capers and red chili flakes with the garlic could be a good substitute? Toast your breadcrumbs until they look like a nice toasty shade, stirring frequently. Remove from heat, put in a bowl.
Next: coarsely chop your kale, zest your lemon(s), grate parmersean, and coarsely chop your walnuts.
Heat a largeish skillet over medium, toss in a tablespoon or so of butter or olive oil, then add the kale, bit by bit, so it doesn't fly all over your stove. Salt it, and add a huge amount of pepper. Lower heat if necessary to keep it from scorching, cooking until it's a level of tender you enjoy. I cook mine for just a few minutes, until it's bright green. Turn off the heat, add the lemon juice and zest. Taste it, if it doesn't taste excessively lemony there is probably not quite enough lemon juice.
Once the pasta has been drained, return its pot to the stove and heat it over low. Add a tablespoon or so of butter or olive oil, heat it enough to melt, then add the pasta, stirring to get the oil incorporated. Add the kale, and toss thoroughly, then add the parmersean, tossing very much again, and some pasta water, enough to help the cheese melt and keep things from being too dry, then add the walnuts and breadcrumbs. That's it, dinner is done!
This is a fast dinner, and one of my favorites. A meal that is really easy to just sort of... do. It's cheap, and it's got kale, so it's like, good for you. If you are serving more than three people, or want significant leftovers, double the recipe. It is good for lunch the next day, but doesn't have a particularly long shelf life because the sauce is negligible.
If you're worried about protein, or serving a lot of people you could do it with.... idk.... a sausage of the meat or veg variety? I sort of hate most veg sausages with pasta because then you wind up eating so much gluten (not that I'm anti gluten but seitan can be... dense) that you feel like you're becoming glue. However, I also feel morally opposed to doing something more complex than a sausage with a pasta dish. If you're just serving a few people however, this really is fine. Add extra kale and walnuts if you're worried.
Noah looked over my shoulder while I was writing this and said "your commitment to misspelling parmersean is incredible."
In my defense, I really truly believed that it was pronounced parm-ER-john and so me putting the r in there was just logical. It seems I was, perhaps, mistaken on that front as well.