Welcome to my TED Talk ; and (overnight) breakfast buns two ways
Hello! Where do you fall on the cats vs. dogs divide?
Just kidding! I do not care, please email me back about literally anything other than whether you prefer one common household pet over another--both are good and both are monsters. This week I've got for you: a brief diatribe about how cats are stupid, a review of a young adult novel, and a recipe for breakfast buns with two fillings.
I've had a lot of serious newsletters recently, partly because it feels like the world is so serious, and the things that my friends are experiencing are so awful, and so dire. But I can't always be meditating on the sad horribleness of the world, so this week, instead, welcome to my TED Talk.
Patsy routinely gets her head stuck in shoes, and also can't figure out why the weather is the same at the front and back of the house.
"But Willamae," you say. "TED Talks are a scam! Also, shouldn't you be on a small stage with a powerpoint behind you, and a headset on?"
"Yes," I respond, nodding sagely. "This is a metaphor."
We all have something stupid that we'd be willing, probably, to fight to the death over. My incredibly pointless, but really firmly held belief is this: cats are fucking stupid.
"Wait!" you exclaim, "Cats being stupid is not enough for you to justify this terrible TED Talk joke format!"
Be assured dear reader, I will justify my TED Talk. My thesis: cats are stupid, and the reason why we think they are smart is because we live in a misogynist culture, that has conditioned us to think that dogs are dumb because they're nice, and the reason why single women love cats is because they're a stand in for shitty men.
I present to you my very compelling argument:
What are the traits commonly associated with cats?
Stand-offishness
Loners
Superior attitude
Don't love you as much as you love them
Smart/clever/devious
Cat people are forever telling dog people that dogs are dumb as rocks, but cats, those are some smart animals. Why do we think cats are smart? Well, what are the traits we associate with dogs?
Eager to please
Happy
Emotionally intelligent
Follows commands (sometimes)
Likes to be around people
So, just take a gander at those lists. Applying the list of generic cat traits to humans would pretty much yield a result of "every guy I knew in high school who said he was too smart to do his homework and then failed out of college." We all know this man, or several of this man. Is he smart? No. But because he was a jerk when he was a kid, for some reason, everyone told him he was smart (smart people have no social skills we say, but, like, no).
Anyway, it's pretty obvious, looking at these lists, that we've decided to apply the traits of wretched men onto cats, and that is the only reason we think they're smart. We have decided that emotional intelligence, and wanting other people to be happy makes you an idiot (or a woman, let's be real) and so we've decided, as a culture, that dogs are dumb.
This is not a value judgement on the species: dogs are good! My cat is good! My cat is also mega, mega dumb! She falls off of things, and chases her tail, she runs too fast and hits the stove like, every day. Patsy, my beloved son, screams every night at 11, for no reason other than her memory only extends far enough back for her to know "I scream at night" without knowing why. My dog was a living nightmare, but she was at least much smarter than Patsy.
Thank you for coming to my TED talk, cats are stupid, stop telling asshole boys that they're rude because they're smart, they're actually just rude because we let them get away with it.
Teen Book Review
Maureen Goo’s novel I Believe in a Thing Called Love has a unique premise: what if a high schooler in Orange County can get a guy to fall in love with her by following the formula for love in a Korean drama?
Desi Lee is focused and successful—she’s the student body president, athletic, and academically gifted, but she can’t flirt without embarrassing herself. After becoming smitten by Luca, Desi fixates on the Korean dramas her dad loves, and generates a list of the 24 “K Drama Steps to True Love” (pg. 49-50). Desi follows the steps in the list to get Luca interested in her, but even as she tries new things, she doesn’t have enough trust in herself and others to let go of the list, and try a relationship without artifice.
The book is a charming romantic comedy that rule-bound teens will find relatable. The characterization of Desi and her relationship with her father is well-crafted, but many of the side characters remain a bit flat due in part to the first person narration. Desi gains some emotional intelligence by the end, but unfortunately the conclusion of the book is fairly unsatisfying. Desi rarely learns from her mistakes, instead, at the end, the message seems to be “manufacturing a series of disasters to make someone realize they love you is bad… but effective.”
This a fun but not sensational novel.
Now, onward to... the recipe?
Onion and Gouda (and/or jam) breakfast rolls (makes 12 lmao)
This recipe uses a method I had not tried before, but King Arthur Flour informs me that the benefit of a tangzhong is that it allows for the addition of more liquid into the dough, thus yielding a final product that doesn't dry out super fast. Lots of cinnamon buns can become stale really quickly, and this alleviates that.
Also, I actually changed this recipe up a bit more: I filled half of my buns with a caramelized onion and gouda filling, but I filled the other half with jam, and put a quick frosting made from powdered sugar and orange juice on top. This was pretty tasty! But, if you decide to make jammy cinnamon buns, you MUST put parchment paper down! Jam will leak out the bottom of your buns and make your pan annoying to clean. Don't say I didn't warn you.
This is the recipe as I modified it from King Arthur, and also because I was the one making it, it uses entierly weight measurements. I love measuring by weight because it means no extra dirty stuff. If you prefer to use volume measurements the original recipe is here, but the gouda and onion filling is all me, so you'll have to come back here to make it.
TANGZHONG (STARTER)
35.5g water
35.5g whole milk
14g King Arthur Unbleached Bread Flour
DOUGH
248g King Arthur Unbleached Bread Flour
10.5g Baker's Special Dry Milk or nonfat dry milk (optional)
7/8 tsp teaspoons salt
1 1/2 tsp (1/2 tbsp.) tablespoon instant yeast
1 tsp sugar (this is my own addition, I just thought it was weird that there was NO sugar in this dough)
85g lukewarm whole milk
1 large egg
42.5g unsalted butter, melted
Filling:
2 big yellow onions (or more if you fill all the buns with onions)
Fresh thyme, if you've got it
Salt and pepper, natch
Aged gouda (or not aged if you aren't lactose intolerant!)
If you do the jam: about a half cup of raspberry jam and some lemon zest
INSTRUCTIONS
To make the tangzhong: Combine all of the starter ingredients in a small saucepan, and whisk until no lumps remain.
Place the saucepan over medium heat, and cook the mixture, whisking constantly, until thick and the whisk leaves lines on the bottom of the pan. This will probably take only a minute or so. Remove from the heat, and set it aside for several minutes.
To make the dough: Mix the tangzhong with the remaining dough ingredients until everything comes together. Let the dough rest, covered, for 20 minutes; this will give the flour a chance to absorb the liquid, making it easier to knead.
After 20 minutes, knead the dough — by hand, mixer, or bread machine — to make a smooth, elastic, somewhat sticky dough, I used my mixer, and I did find this to be a sort of time consuming knead, just due to the amount of liquid in the dough. Just know that if you think it's taking a while, you're probably doing it right, additionally, to paraphrase Peter Reinhart, bread genius: it's practically impossible to overknead dough, unless you are using an industrial strength mixer. So, don't worry about it!
Shape the dough into a ball, and let it rest in a lightly greased covered bowl for 60 to 90 minutes, until puffy but not necessarily doubled in bulk.
Make the filling:
For the onions, I sliced them in half, and then sliced them to get long strips. Noooo dicing! I threw them in my dutch oven with some olive oil and thyme, and some salt and pepper, then I put the stove on low and cooked them for, I dunno, an hour or so. If you run out of time or get bored, or whatever, it's not the end of the world to fry them a bit.
Grate some cheese.
If you are making a jam filling: mix the jam in a bowl with some lemon or orange zest. It'll spice up your filling. It's good!
Back to the dough:
Gently deflate the risen dough, divide it in half, and shape each piece into a rough rectangle.
Working with one piece at a time, roll the dough into an 18" x 8" rectangle.
Sprinkle half the filling over the rolled-out dough.
Starting with a long edge, roll the dough into a log. With the seam underneath, cut the log into 12 slices, 1 1/2" each. (I failed miserably at this, and also rolled starting with the short edge. If you start with the short edge you get a much better spiral but way less rolls.) If you are making the jam rolls MOVE QUICKLY!!! The jam will start to make your dough REALLY sloppy and wet (I'm sorry that sounds disgusting) so get them into the pan and then into the refrigerator as fast as possible.
Lightly grease two 9 inch rounds, or maybe one is suffecient if you only make one type of filling, I have no idea. Space the rolls in the pan (what does this mean? touching? not touching? I did one pan touching (the jam, so that they'd prop each other up a bit in the oven) and one pan not touching, both were fine, but the jam had soft sides and the onion didn't. If you want soft sides have them very close together.
Cover the pan with greased plastic, let rise in the refrigerator overnight, until they're crowding one another and are quite puffy.
Take the buns out about an hour before you plan to bake them, and preheat the oven to 350°F with a rack in the bottom third.
Uncover the rolls, and bake them for 22 to 25 minutes, until they feel set. They might be just barely browned; that's OK. It's better to under-bake these rolls than bake them too long. Their interior temperature at the center should be about 188°F.
Serve the rolls warm. Store completely cool rolls for a couple of days at room temperature, or freeze for up to 1 month.
Anyway, this is a recipe for a sweet and savory breakfast. Woof that got long.
Try the buns! They're really easy and a very good breakfast. At the risk of sounding like an absolute loon, they're pretty great to make on a friday night and then have for breakfast on Saturday or something. Or you know, live your life. Whatever, how are you? Update me on your life. Thanks, bye!