vegan chocolate pie (better than the last time)

I can chart my major depressive episodes pretty well by seeing when I stop updating my newsletter for months at a time. But baby… I’m on anti-depressants again, and I’m back! I’m scheduling posts! I’m editing the drafts I wrote six months ago! I am unstoppable! There are no pictures, because I wrote this recipe in November or something and am not trying to find any pictures that I may or may not have taken in 2022. It looks like a pie though, not to, like, ruin the surprise.

I’m pretty sure I’ve shared a vegan chocolate pudding pie recipe before (fact check: true), because I love chocolate pudding pie. It’s one of my all time favorite desserts, and I love… many desserts. I am reminded that my first attempt was a bit of a failure. Well… this one was not. This one was really fucking good. You’ll notice in the recipe that I mentioned using a Mrs. Smith’s frozen crust. That was the worst part of the pie. Get an oreo crust, or make one (who? not me, but you should, you’re different than me, better) but don’t use Mrs. Smith’s her crust is not very good.

What can I say to make this recipe interesting and personal? To give this a little bit of flair and added interest? Well, I can tell you a bit about the last time (I think) that I made a pie crust. (Not a tart crust, for whatever reason I have no issue making those.) The summer after my Sophomore year in college I was working my way, more or less, out of the worst depressive episode of my life (it’s crazy that being trans and rejecting that part of yourself makes you more depressed). The last half of my Sophomore year it felt, to me, like I would probably not live to see the end of it, but, conversely, if I did live, then I’d be able to graduate from college. It was a toss up. At the very end of the semester I started prozac (huzzah!) but it was too late for me to get a real summer job. I did odd jobs around campus, notably spending a month coming in and making beds for a few conferences, but by and large I was unemployed, sponging off of my friends and trying to make the most out of my food stamps and free bus pass.

While I was trying to make myself not seem like a drain on the household I rode the bus around Portland, because that was free, and air conditioned, (and I also tried to garden, sorry about all the squash) and wound up going to the side of the highway by the river and picking copious amounts of blackberries. I would bring bags of blackberries home and try to do useful things with them, such as make jam, to try to make everyone forget that I was completely broke and mostly just playing Pokemon in the basement day and night. One day though, I tried making a pie. I used some recipe for “The Best All Butter Pie Crust” and boy howdy, that pie was inedible. That all butter pie crust was so rich that nobody could tolerate a full slice of pie, and about half of it wound up getting thrown out. Imagine throwing out a pie when you are in a house full of college students who are spending every night smoking weed and playing video games. Think of how bad that pie must be.

So anyway, I don’t make pie crust anymore. It never seems worth the bother, and to be honest I really prefer to buy pie unless it is something I can’t get in the store anyway, like, (look at me bringing this around) vegan chocolate pie. Fruit pies are one of those things best left to the experts.

Not this pie though! This is a pie for everyone, for any occasion. This, unlike a pie made from blackberries you picked on the side of I-5, is a great summertime pie (no heat!) but also a great thanksgiving pie (french silk pie is for thanksgiving, obviously, she’s a legend, she’s an icon, and this is… basically that?). Really, it’s an all season pie. If you got some weird fucked up oreos you could probably make it for passover! I bet they sell those at whole foods or something, not that I’ve ever checked.

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Vegan chocolate pie

Ingredients

• 1 vegan pie crust (I used Mrs Smith’s, from the grocery store, but that’s not an endorsement) If they have oreo crust that’s the ideal one to use here.

• 9.6 oz or 270 grams (1 1/2 cups if you’re nasty) vegan chocolate (I used a mixture of 70% and 62%, Tony’s and Scharffenberger, it’s most important that the chocolate taste good since that is most of what you’re tasting. If you have a vegan milk chocolate, I think some of that in here would be so choice.)

• 2 tbs oat milk (almond for KFP!)

• 1 tsp instant coffee

• 1 tbs rum (I used black rum, but you could also use a coffee liqueur, non-alcoholic rum, or just more vanilla and instant coffee)

• 1/2 tsp vanilla

• 1 tbs granulated sugar (you can use more if you want a sweeter pie, I’m not your boss)

• 340 g silken tofu (this was a full package for me, nice!)

• pinch of salt

• Canned vegan whipped cream alternative, to serve

Instructions

Bake pie crust according to whatever pie crust you’re using (or if you have an oreo crust, just unwrap that bad boy.)

Make filling:

Put tofu on a paper towel. You aren’t pressing it you’re just getting the most obvious water off. Let it sit while you melt the chocolate. Melt chocolate in microwave. Add granulated sugar once it is melted. Mix. Add the instant coffee into the oat milk. Mix to dissolve.

Get out your blender, add everything to the blender (I mean, not the pie crust). Blend it on high (or medium high if you have a very strong blender). It will become light and fluffy.

Splorp into pie crust, smooth out. Chill for a few hours with plastic wrap over the top. When you’re ready to eat get some premade vegan whipped topping (my friend bought coconut redi-whip, I’ve also used non dairy cool whip alternative, it doesn’t really matter. imo it should taste fake to best approximate the artificial delight of a chocolate pudding pie that you thawed for dessert) and add it to the top of the pie. Lo! Pie!