So it’s “the holidays” and in fact it is currently Hanukkah, so I am making gifts for people. This year everyone who gets a gift is getting one gift, the same gift, and I hope they fucking like it. If you want to make a beautiful gift for your friends, try this:
Industrial quantities of chili goop!
I do not call it “chili crisp” because it’s not really that. Whatever. It is sort of derived from the Woks of Life recipe for chili black bean oil, but it isn’t that recipe. It’s also sort of derived from a recipe from all under heaven, but it’s not that either. Is it better than either of those? idk man. That’s really up to you. I think it’s good. I never made the Woks of Life version, I just liked the smelly oil base idea.
The Woks of Life say not to use gochugaru and to instead use ground Szechuan chilis. I use gochugaru. I really like the texture a lot better. It makes it, well, goopier. I only was able to start eating chili flakes in things when I started buying gochugaru. The texture of like, italian style chili flakes (are they italian??? idk! the ones that the grocery store sells) really, like, upsets me? I don’t know how else to put it. To me, they make food terrible. This is purely subjective, but I am the one who wrote this recipe, and I don’t like the thicker, harder chili flakes, so this is what I used.
My innovation is using a different ratio of beans to chilis than the other recipes I looked at. Carolyn Philips’ recipe has a ratio of 1:2:4 beans to chili to oil, yielding a spicier and oilier outcome with not enough beans. The woks of life uses a ratio of .75:1:1.5 chili, beans, oil.
My version is basically 2:1:.75 oil to chili to beans.
I also don’t know how ratios work, but this was what made sense to me. Maybe this will help you to scale down INSTRUSTRIAL GOOP. That being said: why do that? I’m sure you have enough friends to give this to.
I don’t really have anything else to say at the moment. If you want to read some of my Thoughts about Pro Wrestling I contributed a bit to Flupke’s year end roundup.


How to make god’s own amount of goop
Ingredients:
6 cups of avocado oil (or peanut oil, usually my preference but I’m giving this to someone who cohabitates with a peanut allergy-haver)
9 star anise
3 cinnamon sticks
10 bay leaves
3 1/2 tablespoons Sichuan peppercorns
4 cloves (listen I just don’t love cloves)
3 shallots, peeled and chopped in half
About 8 citruses, depending on the size. I used: 2 honey tangerines, 4 navel oranges, and 2 lemons
2 1/4 heads of garlic
3 cups of fermented black beans, rinsed well and drained
4 cups of ground chili, I used 1 cup of aleppo chili flakes and 3 of gochugaru, because I had some ancient and decrepit stuff I wanted to finish off, whatever it tastes FINE
a small handful of rock sugar, or 3 tablespoons granulated sugar
1/2 Tablespoon MSG
1 Tbs dark soy sauce
First:
Rinse your beans and set aside to drain.
Next:
Pour oil into a large pan. Heat it up (WoL says “225 F” basically hot but not super hot). Add: star anise, cinnamon sticks, bay leaves, cloves, shallots. You want the oil to be gently bubbling up from the bottom. Keep heat quite low. Cook for an hour. Check occasionally to make sure nothing is burning.
While you are making the Fragrant Oil
Take a vegetable peeler and peel strips off of the citrus. Try to avoid as much pith as possible. Try to keep the strips long because that will make the next part easier.
Hone your knife if you haven’t.
Cut the zest into thin strips. Then take your bundle of zest strips and cut the whole thing into small, about 1-2cm pieces. Set aside.
Then: Peel all your garlic gloves. Cut the ends off. Smash them. Then give them a rough chop. You want big chunks.
Next: Chop your beans roughly.
When the oil is ready
Raise the heat a bit, add the beans and garlic. Cook for about five minutes. Lower the heat. Add the zest, sugar, and chili flakes. Cook for about 20 minutes. Add MSG. Taste for seasoning.
Note: every recipe I’ve looked at says to use within a month, to which I say “fuck off” I’ve kept my chili goop on the counter for….. two years? and it hasn’t made me sick. Be not afraid.