"Are you comfortable in a conservative environment?"

And a Nectarine Museli Breakfast Cake

I’m unemployed. Did you know this? I may have mentioned it once or twice. I have been out of work for many months (seven, in fact, maybe eight, depending on how long I spend editing this). This was fine, at first, because my union negotiated a great severance package, but unfortunately as I said, repeatedly, in negotiations, “there is no way that I will be able to find a job in six months,” and lo, I did not. This means that I am in the position of being quite desperate for work, but not yet willing to leave libraries, since I did spend three years in night school getting this degree. (I should leave, I should do literally anything else, but my only other skill, if you can call it that, is oversharing on the internet which does not fund Miss Noodle’s lifestyle.)

And so, there comes a time in a man’s life when he realizes that, regrettably, unemployment will not cover the cost of the big dog’s expensive diet dog food, in fact at 504$ a week (pre-tax), it does not even cover the cost of rent. So I am applying for jobs, as many as I can find, and that means that I am doing a lot of weird applications and strange interviews hoping that someone will offer me a salary that will allow me to keep my apartment and Miss Noodle’s supplements.

This is what led me to interview at a private club. On their website you cannot find out the annual cost, but you can see that there is a dress code for members (suits for men, but a “beaded top,” whatever that means, is acceptable for women if they must wear pants.) This club only admitted women in 1987, four years after the city ruled that single gender clubs were illegal. (In their defense, they wanted men to be able to keep swimming naked in the pool...) In the first round interview the closing question was “Are you comfortable working in a conservative environment?”

This was, I have to say, a pretty sizable red flag, although the guy doing the interview did clarify that he wanted to know if I’d be willing to wear a dark gray or navy suit every day, which, sure, whatever. I said “absolutely, I love uniforms” or something insane like that, which I guess was a right enough answer because they called me back for a second round.

I left the interview knowing that if I did get the job there was probably a 75% chance that at some point I’d be in a position to file an EEOC complaint, but that would not dissuade me even slightly from taking the job were it offered. The patrons at the Club (just “the Club” okay, sure, really normal stuff) have high expectations of their staff. Namely that their Staff wear clothes that are nice, but not too nice: suits that are not nicer than theirs, but nice enough that they know that the staff are trying to look like them but can’t afford it. Like, I think wearing an H&M or Zara suit might be a personal offense. It’s gotta be like, Ralph Lauren, but Polo Ralph Lauren and not the really good stuff.

The night before the second interview (in person, at “the Club”) I went to a friend’s show, (Gender Reveal Live, definitely go to the next one it’s soon!) so that I could help with their merch table (by the way 2 trans 2 furious won a Lambda literary award so pick up a new copy, now with the sticker that says we’re winners.) And of course at the show I was surrounded by a large number of trans people, many of whom probably wouldn’t stoop to working in a conservative environment because they have standards for themselves. Nothing like being surrounded by a bunch of trans people making fashion Choices to put your own fashion choices into perspective.

After the show I got talking to Noah, thinking about what it would mean to work in a conservative environment and I was like “idk maybe after a while I could get a single ear piercing.” and he kind of laughed because when I was younger I was much more about the non-binary look, if you can call it that, boys in skirts, glitter beard (never did it but thought it was cool in 2011) type stuff. Look at me now! My idea of signaling that I am gay in a conservative environment is a single pierced ear, something which many straight men do (is a hoop gayer than a stud? will this just make me seem like I live in Bushwick?), and a pair of those little round glasses (you know the ones). Maybe a bald head too (in this version of my life I am also already at least 45), but with a shitty little moustache. Perhaps a slightly flashy pocket square and oh no I just realized that I am just describing Stanley Tucci playing gay in the Devil Wears Prada… (I don’t think he was brave enough to do the gay moustache though.)

When I had the second round interview for that position I was told “if you hate the 1% completely, you won’t be able to last here.” I was told this by a man who has worked there for 27 years, which raises the possibility that you can hate the 1% like… most of the way… and still get by. This man, who probably hated the 1% a little bit but not 100% looked, I cannot tell a lie, like the complete bear version of what I was imagining. Bald head, bushy moustache, barrel chest, single stud earring. No the little round glasses though, obviously, no fruity pocket square. He was a bit sloppier, the cuffs on his shirt were a bit ragged and he just kept his office mandated suit jacket hanging up in a corner. I thought “oh I could do this job.”

Now, I didn’t get the job and I can’t say it’s not because I didn’t try to look conservative because I even bought a navy blue tie AND I didn’t wear loafers but instead some very dry looking black things. It’s too bad. This could have been my Santaland Diaries. Who knows how much milage I could have gotten out of the Club and telling various rich people that no, they cannot use zoom in the library because it ruins the vibe.

Anyways, I’m still unemployed which is why I am making this cake at 10AM on a Thursday. The inspiration for it was that I bought a new brand of greek yogurt for my morning museli and honestly, it tastes terrible, and also the nectarine that I cut into was a bit under-ripe, so I wanted to find a way to use both of those. Hence, a cake made out of the things that I usually eat for breakfast!

Nectarine Museli-crunch breakfast cake

This is a whole wheat cake (because it’s breakfast, as I’ve mentioned a time or two before, that’s the law), with fruit, and oats, and the yogurt that I didn’t like much on its own. As I am always saying, it’s usually better to add a bit of oil to your baking, especially if it’s for a breakfast bread or something else that will sit out for a while and otherwise dry out. Okay. Moving on. It uses museli because I have a big box of it. I buy unsweetened museli (I’m so in my 30s oh my god) which is great for you because you can make your own for the purposes of this recipe by using um, some rolled oats and like, a bit of chopped nuts, maybe four or five raisins.

• 1 1/2 cup sliced nectarines, peaches, or other fruit (I literally had part of a nectarine that just wasn’t quite ripe enough for breakfast… and some cranberries from the freezer.)

• 2 large eggs

• 1/2 cup (100g) brown sugar

• 1/4 cup unsalted butter, melted

• 1/4 cup neutral oil

• 1 cup (220 g) greek yogurt

• 1 tsp vanilla extract

• 1 1/2 cups (190 g) white whole wheat flour or all purpose flour, or some mix of the two (1 cup whole wheat and a half a cup white is a proven combination)

• 3/4 tsp kosher salt

• 1 1/2 tsp baking powder

• 1/2 tsp baking soda

For the crumb

• 1/2 cup museli (or rolled oats)

• 1/4 cup (32g) flour

• 1/4 cup (50g) turbinado or light brown sugar

• 1/4 cup butter, very soft

Preheat oven to 350. Prepare a pan (I used an 8 inch square, a 9 inch round would also work). Slice a stick of butter in half and put one quarter in a small bowl for the crumb.

Put the other half in a 2 cup measuring cup with 1/4 cup of oil. Microwave until melted.

Put eggs and sugar in a largeish bowl. Whisk for a minute, until foamy. If, like me, you notice that you SHOULD have put the brown sugar through a strainer but didn’t, take out the big chunks of un-dissolved sugar and replace with what you think might be an equivalent amount of sugar, whisk again.

Add greek yogurt to measuring cup, should equal 1 1/2 cups. Add vanilla. Add to the eggs and sugar, whisk until completely smooth. Add baking powder, baking soda, salt, and flour. Whisk again until everything is mixed.

To you pan add about half of the cake batter. Spread to the edges of the pan. Add fruit in an even layer. Put the rest of the cake batter on top, spreading around. Realize that you forgot to make the crumb, quickly mush it together, then put it on top of the cake, pressing it lightly into the cake batter.

Bake until done. (For me this was 40 minutes). The top should be browned and the insides should be set and not gooping on a chopstick. Let cool in the pan for 15 minutes, then remove and let cool the rest of the way.

Notes: cranberries were a weird choice for this lmao. Just use nectarines instead. Otherwise, pretty good. Classic “not too sweet” cake. If you like yours a bit sweeter, or if you use cranberries like an idiot, use 2/3 cup of brown sugar instead of 1/2 cup.